Spammers Are Endlessly Entertaining For Writers!

So...I received an 'urgent' email from my 'cousin' in Wisconsin. She was stuck in (the) Ukraine and needed my help. Or, more accurately, my money. Yeah, well, I gotta wonder just how stupid these Eastern European scammers think Americans are. I guess some of them are gullible, or what I like to think of as too kind-hearted because they wouldn't keep trying this stuff if they didn't get nibbles-and cash.

Anyway, before I hit the tab to alert my service about the obviously deceptive email, I just have to read through it and giggle here and there. It's the writer in me! These guys know just enough English to show how un-American they are. Here's the original version, with highlights of the troublesome spots, along with my 'American' comments in red:

Good morning (Hi!)

I really hope you get this fast. I could not inform(tell) anyone about my trip, because it was impromptu(you mean last minute?). I had to be in Ukraine(most American’s don’t know you don’t say ‘the’ anymore)for a program (are you an actor? dancer?). The program was successful (uh-huh...), but my journey has turned sour.(how distasteful) I misplaced my wallet on my way back to my hotel after I went for sight seeing(I can sooo hear the eastern European accent here-trying not to profile, naturally!). The wallet contained all the valuables I had. Now, my passport is in (the)custody of the hotel management pending when (until)I make payment.

I have made contact with my bank but it would take me 5-7 working(business) days to access funds in my account i (even an IPhone auto-corrects this!)am sorry if i am inconveniencing you, but i have only very few people to run(turn) to now. i will be indeed very grateful(really appreciate it?!) if i can get a loan of $2,750 USD($ means USD and where the heck are you staying, The Kiev Ritz?!) or any amount you can afford from you(redundant). this will enable me sort my hotel bills and get my sorry self back home.(haha...delightful attempt at American ‘lingo’) I will really appreciate whatever you can afford in assisting me with. I promise to refund it in full (aka, pay you back)as soon as I return. let me know if you can be of any assistance(that’s ‘help’ in Rio Linda). Please, let me know soonest (cute) and I need you to keep checking your email because it's the only way I can reach you.(ah...sure)

 
Thanks so much

Almost impossible to read this without an accent, isn't it? Those are just my 'off the top of my head' comments, but can you be the first person who can tell me the BIG 'tell' that shows up throughout, especially in the last paragraph? And if you know the Rio Linda reference you get extra points!